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This is my cat, Shaolin after I did not come home for an entire weekend. I am legitimately sure she can kick my ass if she wanted to:

My rad ass cat also licks your face with her demon breath, growls and can ninja slink/jump her way out of your arms when she is over it. Her tail is constantly awagging (i just made that up) and she loves to play fetch. Sometimes though she will give me the paw to my face, when she is over being smothered with love. When I had my backyard in Brooklyn, she would slink under the fences to go over to the next yards and explore. This ensured much panic from me considering there were FOUR huge dogs from next door that could come out at any given moment. Shaolin wasn’t scared, oh no, not my little feral Bushwick street thug. Where do you think the name Shaolin given by the feral rescue keepers came from? She would attack the dogs through the fence while GROWLING at them, minding you that their snouts were bigger than her face. She just doesn’t give a fuck. Since she has been harassing my other cat, Misty who is a BIG momma, hardcore lately she is currently sitting in jail. Biting the ass of your elder cat “sister” is not conducive to house cat behavior. Especially when that behavior leads to me stepping in cat poop! Sigh! This does not detract from the awesomeness that is Shaolin, the rager with many fans. She’s just driving me nuts lately. Can someone direct me to a cat whisperer please?

This post inspired by Four Four‘s one of many posts about his crankbot of a cat. And with that I include Scottish band Scrotum Poles‘ track “Pick the Cat’s Eyes Out” from their 1980 Revelation EP. No worries, this certified cat lady would never harm any cats.

Scrotum Poles video awesomeness:

Someone find me a cat whisperer stat!

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